Who Would God Kill?

For the answer to that question — Who would God kill? — let’s turn to Genesis chapter 38.

We’ll use the New International Version (NIV).

Genesis 38:
8Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.” 9But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. 10What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death also.

Those krazee Jews!

Let’s put a modern touch to that passage.

GOD: Go fuck your widowed sister-in-law, and impregnate her.

Man: Okay.
(fucks widowed sister-in-law)

God: You didn’t cum inside her!

Man: How’d you know?

God: I’m a voyeur. And now, I’m gonna’ kill you.

Don’t you long for the good old days?

For those who claim to be Xian, or otherwise religious, such “modernizing” of that passage may rile them up. Although, I don’t know why. It’s the Bible. It’s just simply put into modern terms.

Let’s examine that passage line by line.

Verse 8 states: Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.”

We all know that the term “sleep with” is a euphemism for “have sex with.” So, in other words, to fuck.

And when, in the modern rephrasing, it says God, as indicating the one whom was speaking, that is actually a command found in Deuteronomy 25:5, which states:

If brothers are living together and one of them dies without a son, his widow must not marry outside the family. Her husband’s brother shall take her and marry her and fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to her.

A little bit of background almost always aids our understanding, so we’ll turn to an expert for some background in this instance.

Deuteronomy is the “new and improved second edition” of God’s law, the 5th book of the Torah, which is the holy writ for Jews and is collectively called the “Books of Moses,” which in Christendom, in their holy writ called the “Bible,” are called the Pentateuch, the Greek prefix “penta” meaning 5, and “teukhos,” meaning to implement, a vessel, or scroll case; in other words, a book. The Greek translation of the Torah/Pentateuch, is called the Septuagint, hence the use of the Greek prefix and name Pentateuch. The books, in order, are: Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy.

Dr. Thomas B. Dozeman, PhD, Professor of Old Testament, United Theological Seminary, writing in Oxford Research Encyclopedia and Oxford Bibliographies, stated that the book of Deuteronomy “repeats the revelation of law to the second generation [of Israelites] on the plains of Moab (Deuteronomy). The authorship of the Pentateuch is central to its interpretation in Jewish and Christian tradition. The Mosaic authorship characterized the interpretation of the Pentateuch

Happy Easter, er… Happy Fertility Day!

For Christians, today is Easter Sunday. It’s their annual high holy day which corresponds with the Spring Equinox in which they celebrate the alleged resurrection from the dead of their god, Jesus of Nazareth, whom they also call Jesus Christ, whom they believe to be God incarnate, and the “son of God,” even though in their story book, Jesus only referred to himself as “the son of man,” NEVER as “the son of God.” NEVER.

Of course, they’ll fight you tooth and nail in disagreement that Jesus of Nazareth is not their god all while saying “praise Jesus!” and making similar exclamations, but in the same breath, they’ll capitulate and confuse things by saying there’s a “trinity” of three separate divine beings whom they identify as “the Father,” “the Son,” and “the Holy Spirit” whom they claim are not separate, but are separate, and are “co-equal” yet distinct and unique.

Entire religions – actually, “denominations” – have been formed around the various interpretations of those blatantly absurdist claims. Baptists, Methodists, Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Church of Christ, Church of God, Church of God  in Christ, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Seventh Day Adventists, Cumberland Presbyterian, are but a few, and that’s just here in the United States.

Abroad, there’s Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, Armenian Apostolic, Armenian Catholic, Armenian, Coptic Catholic, Coptic Orthodox, Anglican, Anglican Catholic, and on, and on, and on, and on. Some have said there are probably tens of thousands of different denominations and sects of Christianity, while others say there are but a few hundred. And yet, the odd thing is, that while they’re all “doing their own thing” they pray and seemingly ask for “unity” which they call ecumenism.

Bottom line? It’ll never happen. Not until they all give up their own private interpretations, traditions, and everything about their religion.

There’s a long-standing joke – there’s ALWAYS truth in humor, and it serves to remind us of the matter about which it takes light-heartedly, and even