Cooking Thanksgiving Turkey: A Really Simple How-To Guide

I decided to cook the Thanksgiving turkey today… because I can.

And, as always, it’ll be low & slow – 350°F for about 3-4hrs +/-.

Kinda’ like barbecue, only shorter.

The bird’s not really large, it’s only about 12-13 pounds, or so.

The cavity is stuffed with coarsely cut vegetables (including shiitake, and crimini/portobello mushrooms, red, white, and yellow onions, carrots, celery, and various peppers) all which are coated with pulverized dried bread crumbs, and two blocks of pulverized dried cheeses.

The top/exterior has paprika and coarse kosher salt with some mild pepper sauce (Valentina brand “Red Label” – it’s WAY flavorful, and not too hot for most tastes).

Before stuffing the cavity, coarse kosher salt, garlic powder, paprika, and “Badia brand Complete Seasoning” was applied.

And, ALWAYS, always, always!!! Cook turkeys (and chicken) breast side down, of course!

Why?

Because it keeps the breast moist and tender – and prevents it from dying out.

Here’s how and why it works.

As the bird begins to cook, when the fat starts to render (melt), it runs DOWN (remember that thing called “gravity”?), into the breast meat, thereby “juicifying” it.

And a bit of bragging here – I have NEVER cooked a bad turkey, no matter how I’ve cooked it. Even my very first one was perfect.

Also, there’s NO need to “baste.” That’s an utter waste of time & effort. If you insist on cooking it breast side up, put the thing in a bag if you’re gonna’ do it that way.

How will you know when it’s done?

Smell.

And a little tug on the leg.

Never cook by time, or use a thermometer. That’s an amateur’s chore, or a fool’s errand. Cook it until you like how it turns out. (What’s the BEST part about being a cook? You get to eat your mistakes!)

Seriously.

Don’t cook by time, or “internal temperature.”

Seriously.

Don’t.

You’ll smell it when it’s done, and ready.

Here’s how you check.

First of all, you’ll smell it.

And THEN! you check.

Here’s how you check:
Just open the oven door, pull out the rack, and using a fork, or your finger, “flick” the leg.

If it bounces back, it’s not ready.

If it gives way, it’s ready.

It’s just that simple.

Look, folks… cooking ain’t rocket surgery, or brain science.

I’m thinking of doing this:
Just as it gets about ready, I’ll

Feeling Stuffed on Thanksgiving

iPhone 6 screenshot showing maximum memory capacity (128GB) reached, and proportions of memory used by category

Not to worry… my iPhone’s got you beat.

It’s more stuffed than you are.

Or, more stuffed than your Thanksgiving turkey.

Or your turducken.

Seriously.

“Turducken,” is a word-blend of turkey, duck, and chicken, which is a de-boned dish of the three fowl combined, which is then cooked.

And it’s just barely Thanksgiving morning!

But that’s GigaBytes, and you’re human bites – it’s not an “apples-to-apples” comparison.

And, that’s okay, because we often compare disparate items. You know, like oranges to truck stops, or oxygen concentration ratios to seat cushions.

Anyway… the human stomach’s average capacity is about 1.5 – 2 Liters.

Maximum capacity is 3 – 4 Liters.

Put in perspective, the upper end of the maximum capacity of the human stomach is the equivalent volume of TWO 2 Liter soda bottles.

The low end of the average capacity of the human stomach is about 75% of one 2 Liter soda bottle – 1.5 Liters.

In fact, the human stomach – which essentially is a muscle sac, and when empty, is about the size of your fist – can expand to hold up to 4 Liters of food. That’s more than 50 times its empty size.

Of course, some folks’ stomachs are bigger.

Seriously.

Bigger body = bigger stomach.

And you’ve certainly heard the age-old adage “big feet, big… need big shoes.”

But, even though you, and others may be quite hungry – famished, even – this Thanksgiving, you probably won’t quite be eating like wolves… even though you may wolf your food down.

You see, after a successful hunt, a wolf pack

Mayhem & Madness Abound on Berserk Black Friday 2012

Welcome to Alabama…

In recent years, the Black Friday post-feeding frenzy has caused fights, stampedes and violent outbursts among anxious “shoppers.” To maintain peace among early shoppers this year, police forces throughout the country beefed up security and police presence deploying police on horseback, helicopters and in patrol cars. However, those measures were still not enough to stop some eager shoppers from mob behavior and animal-like instincts in their fight for “savings.”

In Alabama, a video recording captured screams and shoving as shoppers ripped a display of

A Thanksgiving Luau

I was overjoyed to learn recently of a Thanksgiving luau in Hawaii.

Shipwreck Beach at sunset, on Poipu in south Kauai

It’ll be on the island of Kauaʻi, which is the oldest, and most scenic of the Hawaiian islands. It’s also one of the more remote islands – though not as far as Midway – and with 90 miles of coastline containing 552 square miles, it is the last, largest island in the chain. Nearly 60,000 people call Kauai home, and it is the fourth largest island in the state.

While the traditional baked or roasted turkey or duck will be served on tables throughout the USA,

Thanksgiving Carp (or should it be “crap”?)

My Thanksgiving this year was unremarkable.

I said jokingly – although with serious intent – that I should’ve gone to the homeless shelter to eat. At least that way I would’ve had some turkey, dressing and traditional food!

The ironic part of it all, was that I bought enough groceries to feed an army: 25 lb turkey, 20 lb ham, 10 lb pork tenderloin, 7 lb of three types sausage, 2 lb slab-cut bacon, mushrooms (shitake, portobello & white), onions, leeks, fresh spinach, cream, genuine maple syrup, pecans, walnuts, tomato paste, salad dressings, cheeses, and much, much more (over $300 worth)! The meat is now residing in the freezer, while the other perishables are in the refrigerator’s cooler drawer.

Perhaps it was my Matthew 22:9 moment. The well-read will recall that is the parable of the feast taught by Jesus Christ, in which the king made ready a feast but the invited guests didn’t show up. So, he commanded his servants to go out into the city streets, highways and byways and bid all to come to the feast.

My roommate is “vegetabletarian,” wasn’t invited anywhere by anyone she knew, and I didn’t get the invite from my folks because they were invited by my brother’s in-laws (Clifford & Jolene) to their place. I thought that was kind’a ass-holey of them, not my folks, to not invite me. I’m the elder of two, have neither spouse nor children, and don’t lead a secret life. Which is to say, C&J and all the gang know that. I guess they gave me the great big “FUCK YOU” this year.

But oh, dear LORD… don’t let ’em think for one moment they might be “dissing” me – their artificially nice world would cave in around them. But know what’s weird? He’s a Baptist-turned-Independent “holiness” preacher.

See what I mean? At least if I ate with the homeless folks, I’d have been around some folks that would’ve taken an interest in me.

As it was, I enjoyed the fellowship of one human being – my roommate and her dog Atticus – and one other… Mr. Jack Daniel’s whiskey.

Okay, enough carping.

So, the first turkey I had this season was at – of all places – a Chinese restaurant, the Sunday after Thanksgiving! Oh yeah… I also had some of my favorites: octopus salad, raw oysters, shrimp and kimchi, along with some beef – cooked, of course (though I’ve eaten it raw… yum! *LOL*).

I had a couple of laughs that day with my waitress and the folks at the table next to mine. I’m a personable fellow, and I like to laugh and smile.

Folks that know me, know that.

In retrospect, I suppose it all worked out for the best… though I still think it sucks.