An Open Letter To Panic Purchasers

Dear Fuckwits,

STOP BUYING EVERY GODDAMNED THING ON THE SHELVES!

What’re you… stupid?

Oh… wait.

That’s a rhetorical question.

Look you selfish dimbulbs, this week I’ll need eggs, milk, flour, peanut butter and some meat – it makes no difference the type, beef, pork, fowl, etc. I would just like to have some protein in my diet, and I’m not a vegetarian.

So, I go to the grocery store, and what do I NOT find?

Meat – of every type – poultry, beef, pork, including seafood
Toilet paper – trees must be extinct
Flour – wheat must be extinct
Peanut butter – same song, second verse, second verse same as the first

NEVER in my life have I ever panic purchased anything… EVER!

And thanks EXCLUSIVELY to your unthinking, unkind, selfish stupidity, I will not have meat for the foreseeable future. That’s because I don’t stalk the grocery stores to purchase every goddamn thing just because I think that chickens, pigs, cows, trees, and wheat are, or will be suddenly extinct.

Fortunately, I don’t need toilet paper, because YOU ASSHOLES have purchased EVERY goddamn sheet on EVERY shelf in EVERY store EVERYWHERE!

You know, one gets the impression that you bunch of living, breathing tadpole-brained troglodytes have just discovered that you have rectums, and colons which experience peristalsis. I mean, after all… you must be shitting your brains out since you’ve purchased every goddamned sheet in every mother-fucking store.

And as for hand sanitizer and soap, one distinctly gets the impression that you have JUST NOW discovered Personal Hygiene and Public Health. You sons of bitches will probably re-elect POS45, too, won’t you?

Of course, the corollary to that, is that, by your behavior, you are obliquely acknowledging that you were – and probably still are – pig-ass nasty, to begin with.

You all are a collective shit-for-brains bunch of assholes, who aren’t worth the goddamned time of day.

It’s not just me who feels that way, either.

A RN friend needs toilet paper for her family.

You fucktards also made a Critical Care RN in England break down in tears because of your thoughtless selfishness.

Toilet paper in short supply? Thank a Republican.

I did some research into the origins of such a thing as the “Toilet Paper Shortage,” and found it originated with a Republican, and Johnny Carson, the long-standing “Late Night” host on NBC, who, in December 1973 on The Tonight Show, made a joke that toilet paper was going to be in short supply.

His joke was based upon a little-known November 16th, 1973 press release by a Republican Representative from Wisconsin’s 8th Congressional District – whose constituents complained

Weather? We don’t need no freakin’ weather!

Euphemisms for the whatever-this-thing-is-that’s-supposed-to-happen:

•Cyberia
•Siberiabama
•Bamaberia
•Sighberia
•Siberialabama

Please describe what you were doing when the problem happened:

I was seated at the kitchen table, listening to satellite radio  – “Give A Little Bit” by Supertramp was playing – having taken a large sip of Fighting Cock 103 proof Kentucky whiskey, followed with a swig of Yuengling Original Black & Tan beer, while reading the Sunday funny papers from the Huntsville (Alabama) Times. Outside the window, a couple was looking around the property next door. Here comes the woman now, from around the corner. Oh… the table at which I’m seated is adjacent a window. I was breathing, and my blood was circulating, and I was thinking that