If Alabama Was A Loaf Of Bread

If Alabama was a loaf of bread, candy canes and root beer floats.

Pineapple ice cream cotton candy, pecan pies, Festhalle chicken, eggs ample, cinco de mother may I?

Johnny Monkeyshines, Goat Hill Hamburger Helper, largely poor, uneducated and easy to barbecue.

W.C. Keller, Bellingrath Handyman, Werner von

Tornado Damaged Albertville Schools Forced to Reopen

“It’s ridiculous you can’t do that in Alabama; but we’ll do what they tell us to do.”

– Ric Ayer, Albertville City Schools Superintendent

In shocking news, Albertville City Schools – devastated by a recent tornado – will be forced to reopen next week, and WILL NOT be able to obtain a student attendance waiver for the five days they were closed this week because of the damage.

Albertville City School Superintendent Ric Ayer said that Alabama state law neither allows for any process – however extraordinary circumstances may be – to waive the 180 day scholastic year, which is mandated by law. Superintendent Ayer said

Told ‘ya so! Big Spring Jam DOA

“It wasn’t going to be a good festival this year.”

Duh! I TOLD YOU SO, nearly a month ago!

-Donn Jennings, Big Spring Jam co-founder, partner, promoter

Faithful readers will recall that on Tuesday, 23 March 2010 I wrote the following entry:

It’s official: No more Big Spring Jam in Huntsville

Today’s (Friday, 16 April 2010) Huntsvillle (Behind The) Times headline reads: 2010 JAM IS CANNED.

What would the Tennessee Valley do without their CON (Corporately Owned Newspaper)?

Perhaps they’d have to figure out where to get their daily dose of truth!

(Behind The) Times Entertainment Writer Chris Welch’s lame introduction to the uninformative article sparks no interest, “For the first time in 18 years, there will be no jammin’ this September in Big Spring International Park.” Then, he drones on and on, nearly boring the readers to tears with vis-à-vis remarks that, “… The Times editorial board…,” “… the Jam has brought in headliners…,” (isn’t that the stuff that’s stuck to the top of your car’s interior roof? How about some better adjectives and verbiage, Chris?), and more uninformative blather.

The only scintilla of information about what may REALLY be going on is contained in the second paragraph: “Organizers… told… that the 18th Big Spring Jam… will be canceled this year because of downtown construction at the Von Braun Center and Huntsville Museum of Art.” (The …s are omission of extraneous, useless information.)

We promised to pay your retirement pension, but now, we won’t. Sosumi… you bastards!

For those “in the know,” “Sosumi” is the name of a computer sound which Apple Computer of Cupertino, CA created and has used for quite some time.

I love Apple Computer, well, not genuinely “love,” but have always believed them to be the best – bar none – computer operating system, superior in every way to Microsoft’s Windows OS. Folks used to say, “Oh, the Mac is good for graphics,” and other such nonsense, even when the Mac OS was in v7.x.

Today, I ask folks, “What’s the Internet all about?” Graphics, graphics, graphics, and media, media, media.

And still, some folks continue to use the infection-prone Windows. Oh well. Some folks never learn.

On to Sosumi.

If you’ve ever heard of the “Beatles,” (and who hasn’t?) you should be aware that

My conversation with Governor Riley’s assistant

When I called the guvnuh’s orifice a few weeks ago about the debacle of his $13,000,000 no-bid contract with Paragon whatever (which has no physical business address, no EIN, no website, no business license, no fax number, no general number or any other form of legitimate business presence), it was all I could to keep my Christian bearing, for the human female that barked at my questions…

Yup, barked… as in “woof, woof!”

Okay.

‘Nuff said.

You know, she became particularly irate when – in response to her statement, to which I patiently and attentively listened – I asked, “If this computer expert has some unique and special knowledge and ability as you suggest she does, that rather makes her like God, then, doesn’t it? No one else has either the ability or capacity to do what she has done.”

Yup.

She got mad at that question.

I don’t know why.

It’s rather simple.

And I’m not a media man.

And I told her so.

I just pay the guvnuh’s salary… and Troy’s salary too.

I guess that makes me their boss.

Yup.

I guess it does.

America is like a Diamond

The issues facing the American people are myriad.

America is much like a diamond.

As a natural product, every genuine diamond has flaws – some more pronounced than others – which are their defining hallmarks. Yet like every diamond, no matter the size, its value is deemed high enough to expend whatever time, capital and effort necessary to manifest a hidden beauty that sparkles when exposed to even the dimmest light of a flickering candle.

America IS that city upon a hill, a light upon a basket set high as an example for other nations to follow. And try as some have to extinguish that light, to lower that standard- through whatever means – they have not succeeded, nor will they succeed.

The American spirit is indomitable.

Our form of governance, though perhaps the youngest among the nations of the world, is the most enduring. Smelted in tyranny’s crucible, cast in unity’s form, strengthened with justice, and ever-tempered with mercy, America is a light to the paths of the world’s people, shining brighter and brighter ’til the perfect day.