“Dear Santa, Can I cook microwave popcorn on the stove-top?,” and other preposterously absurd questions.

Some years ago, while attending university, during the Christmas season, I portrayed “Santa” on a local television station.

The show was aptly called “Letters to Santa,” and was a LIVE TELEVISION BROADCAST PRODUCTION, which aired, appropriately enough, in the late afternoons after grade-school children were out of school for the day.

The show’s tenet was simple enough, children would send their letters to Santa, care of the television station – some of which would be read during the show (live, on the air), in conjunction with live participants who would attend with their parents to tell the Jolly Old Elf if they’d been naughty, or nice, and what they’d like for Christmas.

The show’s Executive Producer (who has long since gone to the great broadcasting center in the sky) did his best to prepare me for the role, which included off-the-air role-playing scenarios, and other tips and tricks for how to handle the attendees, and studio viewing audience, which also included how to effectively deal with children who might be fearful, belligerent, timid, crying, or demonstrating any other of the numerous emotions for which they’re renown for demonstrating – including their parents, who can sometimes also act like their children.

Fortunately, such a topsy-turvy scenario didn’t present itself… as best I recollect.

Because it was important to him, to the station (for community relations purposes) – and to the parents – to not place the parents in a untenable scenario by being perceived as an anything-you-want wish-granting jolly old elf (whose promises to children the parents might not be inclined, or able to keep), it was crucial to give as non-committal an answer as possible when the children sat on Santa’s knee to make their requests – however scant, or numerous they may have been.

While most children were reasonable in their requests – and honest about their year-long behavior – some children (very few) were not, and had lengthy lists with seemingly endless self-centered wants. Again, like standard normal distribution in statistics tells us, those children were very few, just as were the ones who had no requests for themselves.

Of course, there were a few occasional socially-related requests such as getting mama, or daddy out of prison or jail, wanting family members to get well (some who had terminal illnesses), and the like.

Not very many wanted world peace, or any such thing.

And naturally, there were a few who, for whatever reason, simply didn’t “believe in” the Jolly Old Elf.

I guess for some parents, it easier to tell their children a lie, than it is to present a simple truth – there is NO “Santa Claus” who flies around the world in a reindeer-driven sleigh delivering toys to children. Besides, Jolly Old St. Nicholas might get arrested for Breaking & Entering if he was able to scoot his corpulent carcass down a soot-laden chimney… which might be in use during the winter.

That wouldn’t end well.

But the 1952 song “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus,” written by native Mississippian Jimmy Devon Boyd (1939-2009), does a well-enough job of explaining the truth about the matter, anyway.

Speaking of which, the song was banned in Boston by the Catholic Church the year it was released, which claimed it was overtly sexual.

Of course, that only made the recording by the then-13-year-old boy sell better.

But… if you stop to think about it, Santa Claus is banging your wife!

And, it gives an entirely new meaning to “Ho, ho, ho!”

There’s a reason that Jolly Old Elf is so jolly!

And, that’s exactly what the Catholic Church taught. (Never mind the pedophile priests.)

PRO TIP: Write a Christmas-themed song. It’ll provide money to you annually, and for your heirs – 70 years after your death. Not a bad deal, eh?

Anyway… back to the Santa story.

It took me aback to have a child sit on my knee and ask me for “a switchblade.”

I was aghast (though I didn’t let it show while live, on-air) and didn’t know whether the kid was a gang-banger (fat chance, eh? for an 8-year-old), or exactly what was going on which would’ve made him ask for such a thing.

So, the pat answer was “well… we’ll see what we can do about that.”

Turned out, he was asking for a toy which was in the Transformers character line-up which was monikered as “Switchblade.”

Old Santa hadn’t done his toy research.

But, more about the title: “Dear Santa, Can I cook microwave popcorn on the stovetop?,” and other preposterously absurd questions.”

The answer is “YES! You can cook so-called “microwave popcorn” on the stove-top.

Contents of an uncooked bag of “microwave” popcorn

Here’s how:

Just like you would with “regular” popcorn, get a pan.

Put it on the stove-top… just like you would with “regular” popcorn.

Open the “microwave” popcorn bag – you can tear it open, or use a knife, or scissors.

Empty the contents into the pan.

Typically, the contents will be a glop of some semi-solid orange/yellow-colored gummy/oily substance along with the popcorn. That’s the “oil.”

Dump it ALL into the pan.

Cook it as you would “regular” popcorn.

(This ain’t rocket science, or brain surgery.)

Enjoy!