How can you know if you’re in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

Just because there’s no physical violence, does that mean a relationship isn’t abusive?

No.

The adage, “can’t see the forest for the trees” is particularly true in emotionally abusive relationships, and it’s not uncommon for men and women in them to be unable to identify the relationship as being abusive.

Why is that?

It goes back to 1973 and an unsuccessful bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden in which two perpetrators – both repeat offender prisoners – took four hostages, three women and one man. Over the six days they were held, the hostages began to identify and sympathize with their captors.

Hostages in the Norrmalmstorg Kreditbanken bank vault, Stockholm, Sweden. The 1973 robbery gave rise to the term “Stockholm Syndrome” which characterized a scenario in which captives sympathized with their captors.

As the standoff was ending, police called for the hostages to come out first, but the four captives – who protected their abductors to the very end – refused. One female hostage, 23-year old Kristin Enmark, called out, “No, Jan and Clark go first—you’ll gun them down if we do! We want to leave with the robber!”

When police seized the gunmen, two female hostages cried sympathetically, “Don’t hurt them – they didn’t harm us!”

When interviewed by investigators and others following the crisis’ conclusion, the hostages reported fearing Law Enforcement Officers’ rescue effort attempts, and felt their captors were protecting them from harm. The bonds formed during that stand-off had become so strong that there were reports of one female hostage who had been engaged to be married to one of the kidnappers – which was later discovered to be false, though it is true that one hostage developed a Legal Defense Fund to help pay the perpetrators’ criminal defense costs.

Researcher Ian K.Mackenzie wrote
in “Journal For Police Crisis Negotiations”
that Stockholm Syndrome consisted of:
“strong emotional ties that develop between two persons
where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.”

Psychological researchers utilizing the FBI’s Hostage Barricade Database System (HOBAS) – the only entity that compiles national statistics on crisis incidents (hostage, barricade, and/or suicide) which are used in research and decision making – found that nearly 8% of all such victims show signs of Stockholm Syndrome.

The elements of the scenario itself, however, were very clear to researchers who found similarities in relationships such as:
• Abused Children
• Battered/Abused Women
• Incest Victims
• Controlling/Intimidating Relationships
• Criminal Hostage Situations
• Concentration Camp Prisoners
• Prisoners of War
• Cult Members

Forming an emotional bond with an abuser is actually a survival strategy for victims of abuse and intimidation, and Law Enforcement hostage negotiators no longer consider it unusual – and in fact, encourage forming an emotional bond with captors and oppressors because it improves hostages’ survival chances.

Stockholm Syndrome isn’t limited exclusively to hostage situations,
and is commonly found in
family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships,
where
the abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother,
or
any other role in which
the abuser is in a position of control or authority.

In fact, for many years, Local Law Enforcement Officers recognized Stockholm Syndrome among battered and abused women who declined to press charges, bail their battering husband/boyfriend out of jail, and even physically attacked police officers when they arrived to rescue them from a violent assault.

Four Conditions make the foundation for the development of Stockholm Syndrome in hostage scenarios, severe abuse situations, and abusive relationships:
• A perceived threat to one’s physical or psychological survival – and a belief that the abuser would carry out the threat
• A perceived presence of small kindness from the abuser to the victim
• Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser
• Perceived inability to escape the situation

Researchers found these specific characteristics in Stockholm Syndrome:
• Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
• Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support them or win their release
• Support of the abuser’s reasons and behaviors
• Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim
• Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser
• Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment

Many abusive/controlling relationships feel like till-death-do-us-part relationships — locked together by mutual financial issues/assets, mutual intimate knowledge, or legal situations.

Common situations include:

• Debt – Controlling partners may increase financial obligations/debt in the relationship to the extent that neither partner can financially survive independently. Controllers who sense their partner may be leaving will often purchase a new automobile, and later claim they can’t pay alimony or child support because of their large car payments.

• Exposing hidden income – A Controller who has “under the table” income or is maintained through legally questionable situations risks those sources of income being investigated or made public by a divorce/separation. The Controller then becomes more agitated about the possibility of public exposure of their business arrangements more than the loss of the relationship.

• Extreme Threats – Controllers often use extreme threats including threatening to take the children out of state, threatening to quit their job/business rather than pay alimony/support, threatening public exposure of the victim’s personal issues, or assuring the victim they will never have a peaceful life due to nonstop harassment. In severe cases, the Controller may threaten an action that will undercut the victim’s support such as “I’ll see that you lose your job” or “I’ll have your automobile burned.”

• Guilt – Controllers often keep the victim locked into the relationship with severe guilt — by threatening suicide if the victim leaves. The controller will say to the victim things like, “I’ll kill myself in front of the children,” “I’ll set myself on fire in the front yard,” or “Our children won’t have a father/mother if you leave me!”

• Dependency – In relationships with an abuser or controller, the victim has often also experienced loss of self-esteem, self-confidence, and psychological energy. The victim may feel “burned out” and too depressed to leave. Abusers and controllers also frequently create a type of dependency by controlling the finances, placing automobiles/homes in their name, and eliminating any assets or resources the victim might be able to use to leave. It’s not uncommon to hear victims say things like, “I’d leave but I can’t even get money out of the savings account! I don’t know the PIN number.”

• Inexperience – Teen and young adults victims may be attracted to a controlling individual when they feel inexperienced, insecure, and overwhelmed by a change in their life situation. When parents go through a divorce, a teen may attach to a controlling individual and feel the controller may stabilize their life. College freshmen college may be attracted to controlling individuals who promise to help them survive living away from home on a college campus.

Victims Aren’t Always Motivated To Leave

Victims in emotionally abusive situations may attempt to justify continuing the abusive relationship. When the victim has opinions and ideas that support the relationship are unhealthy, it’s not uncommon for them to reduce information or opinions that decrease their level of discomfort or the appearance of foolishness by taking on new thoughts and attitudes. However, very few admit to it.

Leon Festinger, a Researcher and Social Psychologist, first used the term “Cognitive Dissonance” in 1956 to describe his observations of a cult whose members gave up their homes, incomes, and jobs to work for the cult. The members believed that messages from outer space would predict the day the world would end by a flood, and that they would be saved by flying saucers at the appointed time.

When that time came, and passed, the cult’s members continued to justify their beliefs by asserting that their beliefs had actually saved the world from the flood, and they became more firm in their beliefs after the failure of the so-called end-time prophecy.

The lesson learned is that the greater the investment
– either through income, job, home, time, effort, etc. –
the stronger the need to justify the position will be.

So why do people stay in abusive relationships? We also know that the more difficult an experience is, the more loyal and committed we are to those things which is difficult, uncomfortable, and even humiliating. Examples include Military Basic Training, Graduate School, or College Fraternity Initiation rituals.

Several types of investments keep people in bad relationships:

Financial
In many cases, the controlling and abusive partner has created a complex financial situation. Many victims remain in a bad relationship, waiting for a better financial situation to develop that would make their departure and detachment easier.

Lifestyle
Many controlling/abusive partners use money or a lifestyle as an investment. Victims in that situation may not want to lose their current lifestyle.

Intimacy
Emotional and sexual intimacy are frequent emotional investments. Some victims have experienced a destruction of their emotional and/or sexual self-esteem in the unhealthy relationship. The abusing partner may threaten to spread rumors or tell intimate details or secrets. A type of blackmail using intimacy is often found in those situations.

Emotional
The massive investment of so many emotions, tears, and worry, that the victim feels they must see the relationship through to the finish.

Social
Some victims think or say things like, “I’ve got my pride!” to avoid social embarrassment and uncomfortable social situations, so they remain the abusive relationship.

Family
If children are present in the abusive relationship, decisions regarding the relationship are clouded by the status and needs of the children.

The term “gaslighting” is also used to describe emotionally abusive relationships, and stems from the 1938 play “Gas Light” by Patrick Hamilton, and 1944 film by the same name. The play and film both describe a psychologically abusive marital relationship in which the character Jack Manningham lies to his wife Bella about leaving their house, and in the process, surreptitiously attempts to convince her she is going insane by telling her she is only imagining that the gas lights in their apartment are dimming.

As the story unfolds, Police Detective Rough tells Bella that Jack is deceiving her, by explaining that in the apartment above theirs, a wealthy woman named Alice Barlow had been murdered for her jewels, and that police were never able to recover them. Each night, Jack goes upstairs to the empty apartment to search for the jewels, and when he turns on the gas lights in the flat, it causes the other gas lights throughout the building to dim. Bella also hears the sound of his footsteps. Detective Rough convinces Bella to help him gather evidence on Jack to charge him with Alice Barlow’s murder, and in the process, she pretends to help Jack escape the police. At the last minute, she reminds Jack that since she’s “insane,” she can’t be held responsible for her actions. The story ends as Police arrest Jack, and take him into custody.

“Gaslighting” includes misdirection, distraction, and the deliberate denial of reality, though it may appear as rational disagreement.

Psychotherapist Abby Rodman, a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW), enumerated 5 categories of Emotional Abuse in a popular Huffington Post article article, and expressed the feeling caused by emotional abuse this way:

“Emotional abuse is like this:
You’re filled with a sickening dread every morning knowing
you’re facing another day of psychological warfare.
You’re perpetually drained because all your energy is expended
trying to keep your partner happy
(and, you’ll eventually come to realize, those efforts are in vain).
You’re nauseous, anxious, fearful
— one or all —
when interacting with your partner.
This is your life every other minute of every day.”

She also lists Five Behaviors to help identify Emotionally Abusive Relationships, which include:

1) Support v. Discouragement. Do you share your dreams and plans with your partner? If not, why not? Is your excitement about your new project or hobby met with snorts and snide remarks? Healthy relationships are supportive. Those in them don’t always agree on plans or next steps, but they hear each other out respectfully. A non-abusive partner is happy when opportunities come your way.

2) Admiration v. Criticism. The one person who should be leading your cheering section isn’t. It seems like everyone is complimenting your new wardrobe, recent weight loss, or latest blogpost but they aren’t. An emotionally abusive partner is much more invested in tearing you down and keeping you down, and really doesn’t want you to feel good about yourself. If you do, you might realize you could do better elsewhere. So, instead of giving loving praise, you’ll get negative reactions that take you down a notch or two. Or even ten.

3) Empathy v. Indifference. During sad times, you could use a shoulder to cry on. But you know you can’t rely on your partner for that. In order for emotional abusers to stay in control, they need you to focus upon them. Their tolerance for your woes is limited because they need to quickly get another fix of their ‘drug’ of choice: Abusing you. A loving partner is your soft place to land, and will grieve life’s losses right alongside you.

4) Balance v. Chaos. When healthy couples find themselves in unpleasant phases, they focus on setting things right. They strive for peace in the relationship because that’s when they’re at their best. Conversely, emotionally abusive relationships thrive on turmoil. They rarely feel peaceful or balanced. A relationship that is consistently chaotic, or leave you exhausted from constant emotional mayhem is a strong indicator of emotional abuse

5) Responsibility v. Blame. Your partner claims everything that goes wrong is ultimately your fault. Whether it’s something you did today or a trespass dredged up from ten years ago, an emotional abuser’s list of wrongs gives him/her an ongoing litany of things to berate you about. Because the emotional abuser can’t see or own their role, arguing the point is perpetually unproductive. Emotional abusers externalize all disappointments in their life. And you’re their obvious target.

Like any path, or well-traveled roadway, emotionally abusive relationships have signs, most of which are readily identifiable.

Other common signs of Emotional Abuse may include:

1. You Walk on Eggshells. In order to avoid upsetting your partner, you are vigilantly careful not to do anything that will trigger a negative emotional reaction. Living in an abusive relationship means that you never know when something that you do, no matter how seemingly trivial, may set of an emotional backlash.

2. Your Partner Can Express Emotions (and Opinions), But You Can’t. Emotionally abusive relationships are imbalanced. It’s ok for your partner to rant and rave, but if you express negative emotions, perhaps even mild ones, you are subject to criticism, or, even worse, a strong emotional backlash.

3. Your Partner Mistrusts You (and Your Emotions). Often, emotionally abusive individuals have low self-esteem, which leads to a lack of trust in the partner, as well as a belief that your expression of displeasure are designed to hurt. Any expression of emotion on your part becomes an attack.

4. You Can’t Discuss Relationship Problems and Issues. Any criticism is viewed as an assault on the emotionally abusive person, and you avoid discussing problems in order to maintain a calm emotional environment.

5. You Feel Constantly Confused and Trapped. Being a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship can leave you constantly emotionally confused and feeling trapped. The emotionally abusive partner may use emotional appeals to keep you in the relationship (“I need you to help me!” “You can’t leave me alone!”). Often, as a victim, you feel helpless to do anything about the situation.

More specific signs may include:

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

28. They share personal information about you with others.

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

“If you suspect you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship,
you may be so immersed in it that
you can’t read the very destructive handwriting on the wall.”

If you need help,
in the U.S.,
call
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
for the
National Domestic Violence Hotline.

NOTE: the term “psychotherapy” is a broad term referring to any professional trained to treat people for emotional problems, and depending upon academic degree, may include a psychiatrist, psychologist, or social worker (among others), who may work with individuals, couples, groups, or families.

Thanks also to:
Consulting Clinical Psychologist Dr. Joseph M. Carver, PhD.