Beans So Bad Even My Dog Won’t Eat ‘Em

Dogs’ll eat anything.

Well, almost anything.

Yeah, they were are that bad!

You know beans’ve gotta’ be REALLY bad when even a 4-day hungry dawg won’t eat ’em!

Or, any food.

You KNOW food is genuinely bad when even a hungry dog won’t eat it!

It’s summertime, and truth be told, folks and critters don’t do much eating.

‘Cept for bears. Bears chow down during summer. They eat up, meat up, and sleep it all off over winter.

But this was the case with some beans which had been in the cabinet for goodness-knows-how-long… because I sure didn’t. The case being my 4-day hungry dawg wouldnt’ eat ’em.

And my dawg is a puppy – an 11-month puppy, to be prezackly. Fact is, we don’t know zackaly how old she is. That’s ’cause I adopted her, and she was a stray pick-up. The best guess for her age at the time was about 8 months. So I’ve had her about 4 months. Yeah, so 8 and 4 is 12, so how do you get 11? Trust me on this one, eh?

Not only did I not know how long I’d had ’em – the beans, that is – I had no idea where I got them, or how they came into my possession.

Were they a ‘gift’ from someone with kind motives?

Were they leftovers from a bad dream?

Were they samples, or some type of freebies?

Again, goodness knows, because I have no idea their origin. I only know they were in my cabinet.

And to be certain, I recollect having tried them once… albeit some time ago.

They weren’t my flavorites then, so goodness knows why I saved ’em from certain destruction – otherwise known as the garbage can. And I think in large part, that’s the reason why I chose to serve ’em up to the doggie. It’s part of that “waste not, want not” ethos embedded in my social DNA.

I’d set them out of the cabinet, along with a can of green peas.

Really, Michigan… is this the best you can do?
Really?
Not sure if this is a reflection upon the cannery, or the wretched recipe… or both! Bleargh!

We should dig up ol’ Gregor Mendel and apologize to him. The Church might not like that, what with him being a Catholic monk and everything, but we really owe a big ‘un to Greg.

Apology, that is.

And, I suspect the Church prolly’ owes us, the people, an apology too, because his genetics research was cut short when he was elevated to the position of an abbot, which administrative duties took precedence over his scientific research/gardening work, and then, when he died, all of his papers were burned.  Seems that was a preventative move because the government wanted to tax religious institutions. Only two sure things in life – death and taxes, eh?

It’s kinda’ funny too – not ‘funny’ funny as in hilarious, but more like sadly ironic funny – because Greg started studying mice and their reproduction, but Greg’s bishop didn’t like the idea that he was studying animal sex, so Greg had to switch over to plants, and eventually settled upon studying the green pea, instead. They’re not as sexy.

And, interestingly enough, it seems that Greg had some pretty high-powered connections, too. For example, Christian Doppler (yeah, that Doppler) was his physics professor, and Czechoslavakian composer Leoš Janáček played the organ at Greg’s funeral.

But back to the beans so bad…

Here’s how it went down.

Day 1: Open beans, dump in washed clean, & rinsed dog food bowl. Dog looks at beans, sniffs ’em, licks ’em, takes a drink of water and walks away. End of day, I pull the food bowl, contents intact.

Day 2: Dog taken outside for morning routine – pee & poop. Pees. Little poop. Breakfast. Replace bean bowl on floor adjacent water bowl. Dog drinks water, sniffs beans, drinks water & returns to cage, and naps. End of day, food bowl pulled, contents intact.

Day 3: No big deal. Animals can, and do, manipulate people. Dogs included. I don’t play that game; never have, never will. Dog taken outside for morning routine – pee & poop. Pees. Even less poop. Breakfast. Replace bean bowl on floor adjacent water bowl. Dog drinks water, looks at beans, drinks more water, returns to cage, and naps. I enjoy my breakfast. Dog looks longingly at me, i.e., chow hounds. I don’t play that game. You eat what I set out. Period. When you’re hungry, you’ll eat. End of day, food bowl pulled, contents intact.

Day 4: Dog taken outside for morning routine – pee & poop. Pees. No poop. Breakfast. Replace bean bowl on floor adjacent water bowl. Dog drinks water, looks at beans, drinks more water & returns to cage, and naps. I enjoy my breakfast. Dog walks into kitchen and watches me make coffee. I walk out of kitchen to drink coffee, dog stays in kitchen. I still don’t play that game. You eat what I set out. Period. When you’re hungry, you’ll eat.

Day 4 point 5ive: I get the point. Dog doesn’t like beans. Refuses to eat beans, no matter how hungry. I turn on the garbage disposal and water and toss the wretched mess down the drain. Wash out bowl with soap & water, dry, then fill with dry puppy kibble, and drizzle with chicken grease. Dog eats 100% of contents, and licks bowl clean. I drink coffee, and refill puppy’s bowl for a second helping along with a wee bit of water for gravy. Dog eats 95% of contents.

Lesson Learned: Dog won’t eat bad beans, no matter how hungry. I’m not a mean man.

Moral of the story: DO NOT – under ANY circumstances – purchase or eat those beans!