The Weird Church Lady

This cute meme reminds me of the story of a somewhat uncouth, and slovenly church lady who was almost constantly inviting the pastor over for a meal.

Being aware of her less-than-hygienic life practices & household condition, he politely declined at every opportunity when invited.

One day, she confided in him that she had “turned over a new leaf,” and that she’d spent quite some time cleaning & tidying up, and that her household was spic and span, from top to bottom. Being completely wearied of her seemingly incessant requests, he reluctantly accepted, and hoped to find her household in somewhat better condition than he’d seen it years ago.

When the day finally arrived, not knowing what to expect, he approached the front door with a mixture of eager anticipation, and trepidation.

He had no sooner finished knocking on the door, than Sister Smith opened the door and cheerily greeted the pastor.

“Hello, Pastor Jones!,” she excitedly exclaimed. “I’m ~so~ very glad you came! Won’t you please come in?”

“Thank you, Sister Smith,” he said as he stepped over the threshold into the living room.

Glancing around, he was utterly amazed at what he saw.

“Well… I declare! I’m practically speechless, Sister Smith!,” he exulted as he walked about a household quite nicely tidied up. There were no magazines or newspapers lying about… even the bric-a-brac was dusted and placed decoratively!

Pastor Jones was beginning to feel quite positive about accepting this home visitation and meal.

“Are you ready to eat?,” Sister Smith asked. “I’ve prepared a slow-cooked pot roast with vegetables, and baked some fresh, home-made rolls just for the occasion. I also have sweet iced tea, green beans, and a hearty spinach-romaine salad with arugula, bacon and herbed cheese dressing. And for dessert, I hand churned some peach ice cream to accompany my home-made pecan pie!”

The pastor, being quite hungry, hadn’t anticipated such a spread, and eagerly sat down. He blessed the meal, whereupon he and Sister Smith began to serve themselves, and eat.

After the main courses, dessert arrived, and the ice cream was just as tasty, sweet and aromatic as freshly picked peaches. The pie was warm, and the crust slightly sweet which made the peach ice cream a perfect accompaniment.

As he finished the last crumb of the pie with the final drop of ice cream, he pushed back from the table and Sister Smith offered him a demitasse of espresso to cleanse his palate.

As he savored the aromatic coffee, he remarked, “Sister Smith, that was -without question- one of ~the~ best meals I’ve had in quite some time! And, I must say, everything is so… that is, you’ve decorated quite well,” as he search for a diplomatically generous description.

“Cleanliness is next to godliness,” he then said, as he sought how describe what seemed to be a wholesale – even miraculous – transformation to her household. “And your dishes and flatware… they’re most lovely.”

“Yes, Pastor Jones, everything is clean as soap and water could get them… including the delft,” she said.

Whereupon, she removed her plate from the table, placed it on the floor, and in a loud voice, called out “Here Soap! Here Water!” as two dogs bounded into the kitchen and began to lick the plates.