Open Letter to the TEA Party

A good friend of mine composed this homespun style letter, which I find heartfelt and equally expressive. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did. It is published here with express permission, and anonymity, at the author’s request.

Dear Tea Party tourists in DC, 

Couple of things. 

First, please don’t give me evil looks as if I’m somehow less American and cannot understand where you are coming from because I live in an urban environment and know how to use the public services. 

Bitches…I’m from Alabama. I was educated in the county, grew up in Southern Baptist Sunday School, raised hell on back roads and muddy fields, and I can cook a peach cobbler that will make you want to go home and slap your grandma (but not mine, because she has a gun and is not afraid to use it if you’re on her property). I AM you. I get you. I get it.

But here’s my thing… 

People up here already think we’re stupid because we talk slow and don’t enjoy all the rigamarole of city life. That’s their problem, and they ain’t perfect (who in the good Lord’s name IS?). But we don’t need folks coming up here acting crazy and RUDE (now you know your mama didn’t raise you that way!). There are some of us up here that happen to be working for the party that’s in the majority right now -yes, I’m talking about real SOUTHERN Democrats. We believe in states rights (but not slavery), keeping the federal government out of our business (especially in matters of our bedrooms and our bodies), and honest work for a fair wage. We also love our neighbors (inspite of them often beating all we’ve ever seen) and believe in helping out the least of us – just like we learned to do by washing windows for the old folks, working soup kitchens, and taking up collections through church for that one person who was having a hard time funding his/her battle with a disease. Those are your values. And those are our values. And we are here in Washington building relationships, making compromises, and trying to do whatever we can to get in a spot where we can help build policy on those values. And by “we” I mean “me.” And I’m you. Remember that part? Here’s my point. I know you have legitimate things to say, and I know you are just frustrated because certain demagogues have in you a tizzy….but…. 

YOU MAKE US ALL LOOK LIKE IGNORANT, KOOL-AID DRINKING, CRAZY HICKS. SO GO “STRUT THAT ASS” HOME AND “HIDE YOUR KIDS, HIDE YOUR WIFE” BECAUSE GLEN BECK WANTS THEM TO ACT CRAZY, TOO. YOU ARE MAKING HIM RICH, BUT YOU ARE MAKING IT HARDER FOR PEOPLE UP HERE TO TAKE PEOPLE LIKE ME (AND I’M YOU – REMEMBER?) SERIOUSLY. 

Also, as a side note:

Are you planning on walking up that escalator? No? Well the party of NO is on the RIGHT. If you’re just going to sit there and bitch about everything here (that includes me – and just remember that somewhere down the line my grandaddy gave your grandaddy a ride into town or helped him plow his garden), then please move over so those of us on the Left can make a little progress. 

That’s all. I hope you have a nice stay, and if you’d rather come over for a potluck than run around lookin’ like hooligans then just give me a call. My front porch is always open and I make the sweetest tea you’ll find this close to the Mason Dixon Line. 

With Love,

[author’s name withheld at request]